Well okay, the cycle is more than halfway over--there are only three episodes left before America's Next Tiny Model is selected, and only five of them remain! Congrachelations!
Let's look at the casualty count thusfar-
1. Lisa, out in episode one, see last post for deets
2. Rachel, who despite her heinously enormous eyeballs, couldn't overcome being completely boring at a surprise outside of panel elimination
3. Courtney, kicked off to make me feel sad
4. Lulu, resident homo who was stricken with a case of Spontaneous Cunt Edit
5. Bijanka, let go when the judges could no longer overlook the fact that she wasn't pretty
6. Ashley, who just couldn't stop being a suck
7. Kara, a deep fried drag queen with
a freakishly distracting lazy eye and a horrifying bitch streak who, upon being eliminated proclaimed "I shouldn't have even bothered trying out if I wasn't going to win"
8. Rae, who was there... supposedly
9. Brittany, whose mummified appearance usually managed to vanish somehow in her pictures. Nevertheless, she was kind of not pretty and eliminated for being too analytical. Which, if you watch her
CoverGirl Commercial, doesn't even begin to describe her personality.
In the weeks that have passed since the premiere, there have, of course, been other developments. The girls have had to race through Wal Mart, perform a dance routine while wearing Jason-esque white masks, and learn to surf. These are just examples of some of the many extremely relevant tasks they have had to master, as most real models have done as well. The show also got a
foxy fresh new elimination track courtesy of Marvin Fequiere, the husband of Cycle 10 Alum Stacy-Ann (aka the lap dance girl with the squeaky voice). Be warned, when I call it foxy fresh, I mean that it is the textbook definition of lolwut and may cause you extreme embarassment if you listen to it in a place where others can hear it.
Anyway, we are now down to five girls, and the photo assignments they have had are as follows-
1. Recreating photos of themselves as babies, which can be seen in the premiere recap a couple of entries down.
2. Because Seabiscuit was also too a shrimp who made it in a big horse's world, the girls were asked to pose alongside a horse and jockey. This is America's Next Top Model, though, so to keep it "fashion" the girls were also portraying a sort of riff on Lady Godiva.
3. In a cycle about embracing shortness, the girls had to make themselves appear tall... somehow.
4. Tyra took time out of her busy schedule to photograph beauty shots of the gurrals, in which they had their hair wrapped in fabric so they could resemble Tyra when she first wakes up. I am not making this up, she actually said that and then flashed a pic onscreen to punctuate the point.
5. The models were whisked away to Vegass to pose with Cirque Du Soliel in groups. Whee.
6. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Erroneously labeled as being "Ninjas" by everyone involved, despite the fact the weapons are clearly chinese and they were doing the shoot in a Chinese martial arts studio.
7. The girls got to write their own CoverGirl Commercial Script and then perform it. Despite being a "world renowned fashion photographer", Nigel was their director for some reason. I blame budget cuts.
8. I also blame budget cuts for their overseas destination--Hawaii--which only technically counts as overseas. Despite being a cop out, the location is beautiful and the planned shoots sound great so I'm not complaining. Anyway, for their first week in Hawaii, the girls celebrated Hawaii's multicultural community by transforming into biracial models. The shoot was attacked the day after the episode by various media outlets for being "blackface." This is of course, bogus, considering that no matter how controversy hungry she is, Tyra herself is black and I don't think she's THAT stupid, not to mention the show has changed the girls races before FIVE YEARS AGO.
ERIN
Aka "The Whiny Brat", 18, Kenosha, WI
Alongisde Nicole and Sundai
Biracial Idenity: Tibetan and Egyptian
Watch Her CoverGirl Commercial HereErin is a little weird looking in person, thanks to Tyra's bizarre decision to bleach away her eyebrows. You get used to seeing it after an entire cycle, but you still can't help but wonder what the fuck happened to her face. Fortunately for her, the eyebrowless look usually photographs wonderfully, and Erin has certianly manged to impress on film.
Unfortunately for her, she is also a raging, immature bitch who needs to learn the long forgotten art of shutting thyself the flying fuck up. Every episode features Erin finding something to complain about or someone to smacktalk--most recently, she threw a hissy fit when she did badly at the CoverGirl commercial and later griped that her challenge prize, a helicopter flight over Hawaii, was boring and she would have rather gotten jewelry or something. Mhm.
WHY SHE'LL WIN
-Strong Photos
-Um...
-Yeah
WHY SHE WON'T
-She's annoying
-Tyra knows she's annoying
-Hell, everyone knows she's annoying
JENNIFER
Aka "The Asian Preselect", 23, Philadelphia PA (Woo Woo!)
Alongside Brittany and Rae
Biracial Identity: Botswanan and Polynesian
Watch Her CoverGirl Commercial HereHey Girls!
So I've blogged about Jennifer before, and I undestand she isn't everyone's cup of tea, mostly because people hate Asians, but that is besides the point. I personally feel that though her portfolio has a few rough spots, she's been a solid performer on the whole, and it's pretty clear she's a lock for the final, considering she hasn't done anything to bother the judges too heinously yet.
Of course, she bothers the viewers, specifically the ones on that forum that I often ask myself why I read so religously, as they are all convinced Tyra has pre selected her as the winner based on her race and Tyra's need to fill quotas. They all believe she will probably be in the final two with Nicole, who is by all counts the strongest girl this cycle and the one who should win, and she'll take the title because Tyra won't want the inevitable backlash for chosing a white girl over an Asian (see Whitney, Cycle 10's Plus Sized Winner for more details on this phenomenon).
And of course, they are probably all right in assuming this--but because she is a Philly Girl, she clearly SHOULD win. Yeah, that's right.
WHY SHE'LL WIN:
-Cute
-Race Quotas
-Funny Third Thing
WHY SHE WON'T:
-Because Tyra knows you're still mad about Anya
-Because She'll be up against Nicole, who is pretty much perfect
-Because one eye is bigger than the other, no really
LAURA
Aka "The Loveable Hick" 19, Stanford KY
Alongside Ashley and Kara (regrettably, seeing as they bring down the quality of the overall image with their fug)
Biracial Identiy: Mexican and Greek
Laura is the three legged puppy of the show, let loose with the others to make the viewers let out at least one "aww" per episode. She is oodles of cute (which, scientifically speaking, is roughly equivalent to a shit ton of cute), not to mention she is endearing to the umpteenth degree with her charming accent, her sense of humor, and her extremely earnest desire to win.
The judges like to underrate Laura, because they know it will make the audience want to hug her even more than they already do. Laura could be our underdog winner, or she could be gearing up for the most heartbreaking elimination ever (or at least since Marjaleigh was split up in cycle 11.)
WHY SHE'LL WIN:
-Because everyone loves her
-Because she should
-Because I want her too, dammit!!!!
WHY SHE WON'T:
-Because the judges seem to dislike her at times for random reasons
-Because dyslexics arent' CoverGirls
-Because she'll be eliminated in favor of someone far weirder.
NICOLE
Aka "America's Favorite Freak Show", 18, Louisville CO
Biracial Idenity: Malagasy and Japanese
Nicole is flawlessly photogenic and borderline socially retarded--a combination Top Model has always been fond of and is sure to employ on every cycle. Of course, Nicole's lack of social graces has lead the other girls to describe her as boring, and also to seethingly despise her for no real reason, even though we haven't really seen anything that despicable out of her. Girls who are mean to Nicole have a nasty habit of getting eliminated, however, which means that for once, the Goddess of Fierce might be on the side of Weird. Which, considering how batshit crazy Tyra is in the first place, makes it a little odd that she hasn't been throwing the crown to the freakiest model to walk in the room every season.
WHY SHE'LL WIN
-Unlike other Token Awkwards, she actually is good at everything, including commercials, go sees and runway
-The camera loves her... you know, as like,
more than a friend
- She's so liekable, she might even be a mudkip
WHY SHE WON'T
-Because she's White. Sucks for her.
SUNDAI
Aka "The Little Engine that Couldn't", 18, Bakersfield CA
Biracial Idenity: Moroccan and Russian
Sundai is beautiful, infectiously energetic, funny, and apparently, she really likes noodles. She is also the shortest ANTM girl ever, which combined with her face and personality seems like it would give way to a really great underdog edit.
Alas, poor Sundai has the distinction of being decent to good when everyone else is good to freaking fabulous, and with only three episodes left, it's clear she won't shape up in time for it to matter--even if her last few shots are incredible, it will be tough to deny the consistency of the rest of the back. Of course, she was saddled with a heinously awkward "Rihanna Inspired' makeover which was recently, out of nowhere, replaced by a more flattering weave with no mention by anyone of the obvious change.
Ultimatley, Sundai would have had better luck on a Multiple of Three Cycle, as they are the cycles designated for black winners.
WHY SHE'LL WIN:
-Why do a short cycle unless you're going to pick someone really, really short?
- Because she really wants it
-Oh hell, who am I kidding
WHY SHE'LL WIN:
-Nicole is has better pictures
-Laura has better jokes
-Erin's a better bitch
Anyway, Youtube is down right now so I don't have all of their commercials linked but if you really care you can seek them out yourself.
The last three weeks will supposedly have more phun ahead, including an undewater shoot and a photoshoot where they will portray Pele, the most famous of Hawaiian godesses. Of course, none of this is as important as the biggest twist yet--the episode description has fortold of a double elimination at the final four, meaning that for the first time ever, only two models will make it to the finale episode. Shock and Awe abound.
